As a psychotherapist, I have been troubled by the lack of discussion in the financial world, the business arena, the therapeutic community, and the media about the effects of our personal relationships with money on our emotional lives and, as a result, on the economy, our country, and our world.

In this tough economic time, people of all walks of life are reassessing their priorities, making major changes in their spending habits and their lives. One vast opportunity rarely covered or discussed in relation to these changes is the exploration and healing of the wounds we all have in our relationship with money- probably the most crucial step we can take as we navigate these tough economic times.

The anxiety people have in their relationships with money preceded the current market turmoil by a long, long time. It will be here after the chaos has been calmed and we are on seemingly solid ground again in the national and world economy. For many people that anxiety exists all the time; it’s not going to go away, certainly not any time soon. And not as a result of things we do on the practical level in the outer world, either – not by selling our assets, protecting our savings, getting another job, cashing in an IRA, nor buying lottery tickets.

The only thing that can help resolve that anxiety is for us to do the work in our inner world, the world of our psyche and soul, to discover, explore, heal, and thus improve our relationship with money. In other words, we may make many changes in our lives right now. We may make the simple things most important; we may expand our attention to our relationships; we may make savings an even more important priority; we may become clearer than ever before about the distinction between investing and saving. But the things we do in the outer world cannot be sustained without our also doing things in our inner world that bring about healing and transformation. In fact, without our even realizing it, the things in our unconscious that we ignore, discount, or don’t handle will drive us and even undermine us. This is why healing our relationships with money is the most crucial step right now.

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In my 30-plus years as a psychotherapist, I have seen again and again that people’s relationship with money, at the root – beneath their awareness – is based on a young child’s thoughts, feelings, and decisions about money and about the things money symbolizes for them.

I have also seen repeatedly that when people are under stress, they regress to the thoughts, feelings, and perceptions of a child, even though they are not aware of it. They may not completely regress. They may not act on the regression. But they might.

If they act on the regression it may be blatant, or it may be very subtle. The most important thing to realize is that this happens in all of us, and it happens without our awareness. And whatever we do from the regressed place inside us — no matter how unconscious it is — has a huge impact on us individually and communally.

How many times have you seen or heard about a 6’2, 250-pound CEO of a company fly into a rage at his employees when the business he owns and loves is losing money? How often in that situation have you — or has anyone else on the scene — realized that you were watching a “tantruming” two-year-old or even a raging baby in the body of a 42-year-old man?

So, here we are in a recession. People are under stress, often regressing without even knowing it. The things they do may look adult, but they are often coming from the regressed child in them. They panic in response to the economic chaos, and make poor decisions in relation to their resources — decisions that affect them personally and also the economy of our country and our world. This feeds a vicious cycle, because when things get worse, people panic and regress even further.

If the CEO above were to come to my office to work with this, one of the paths I would take with him would be to explore his relationship with money. It obviously isn’t that of an adult.

Let’s walk through a shortened version so you get a taste of the depth and breadth of the potential in this work.

John comes to my office with $1,000 in cash. After preparing him for the work, in both previous sessions and at the start today, I ask him to hold the money in his hands and talk to it. He begins.

“I want you. I need you. I can’t get enough of you. I’m starving for you. I’m desperate for you. I’ll never have enough of you. Never. There’s no way out.” tweet

He stops, turns and looks at me, and starts crying.

He looks away. Covers his face with his hands, the money still held tightly.

His crying continues until he finally says, “I don’t know what this is about. I don’t even know why I’m crying.”

At first I’m silent, but right there with him. I want to give him the space to see what comes to him.

Eventually I say back to him what he has said: “I want you. I need you. I can’t get enough of you. I’m starving for you. I’m desperate for you. I’ll never have enough of you. Never. There’s no way out.” I ask him other than money, who else could he say that to?

“My mother,” he replies. “I never had enough of her. Even if I begged. Even if I worked hard. Even if I was a good boy. Even if I did everything I could to make her happy. I learned very early that it was no use trying. And then I became even more desperate.”

“Do you see what you’re uncovering here?” I ask John.

“Not really,” he replies.

“You’re uncovering and we’re discovering that you have transferred your feelings toward your mother, who was your first source of your resources, onto money, one of your resources in the world today. You have transferred your thoughts, feelings, perceptions, experiences, decisions, behavior, fantasies, body responses, and more from mom onto money.”

“So I’m raging like a little boy when I can’t have my mommy?” he asks with a glint of understanding in his eye.

“Exactly,” I respond. “Good for you, John. Want to take it a step further?”

“I don’t know how, Judith.”

“I’ll help. What are you feeling beneath the rage, John?”

“I’m terrified I won’t have enough. Terrified. Terrified.”

“And what do you do when you’re terrified, John, other than rage?”

“I want more and more and more, Judith, and manipulate to get it and take it. I grab and hoard.”

“You’re getting the hang of this, John. How are you feeling about what you’re doing?”

“This is amazing, Judith. How did we get here?”

“We followed you, John. The clues that came from within you. Shall we go even further?”

“I don’t know if I can? Will you show me?”

“Of course I will, John. Next step . . .what is the effect on you of your raging?”

“Uh. I feel out of control and scared. I scare people around me. People don’t want to get close to me. I feel like I’m a monster. And that scares me.”

“Wonderful, John. It takes you right back to feeling scared. And what is the effect on those around you — you’ve just said it — I want to be sure it’s clear.”

“What did I say, Judith? That I scare them and they don’t want to get close to me?”

“Yes, John. In addition to that, may I share what I see with you?”

“Yes, please, don’t hold back from me now, Judith.”

“Your raging scares other people, and probably triggers fear in them from when they were children. That’s why they cringe and hide and withdraw from you instead of telling you to stop it.”

“I see. So here we are in an international corporation and we’re in these big bodies but we’re children inside — all of us?”

“Right, John! That’s the heart of it. So if they do their jobs like children, without even realizing it, they impact all the customers you serve all over the world. And when those customers are affected, the child in each of them gets scared and angry and reacts in ways that aren’t “grown up.” And that affects the next people and so on.  You see, John, the effect of your childhood deprivation — the feelings you’ve buried inside you, the childhood decisions you made about never having enough, the actions you’ve taken and will take as a result — act like lines of dominoes causing everything to tumble into a regression.”

“That’s mind-blowing, Judith. Why don’t we all know that? Why aren’t we taught that?”

“A story for another time, John. In essence, people are afraid of their memories and their feelings, and because of the fear, they try to keep it all buried. But as with you, John, when we try to keep it buried, it somehow explodes out into the world and affects everyone. I’ve wondered a lot if the recession we’re in is really the consequence of many, many ‘lines of dominoes tumbling into a regression – a recession regression.’ I know that’s an unusual way to put it, but I’m serious.”

“I can barely understand what you’re saying, Judith. I’m filled with all I’ve learned today. I have to go be with it — mentally and in my heart. Can I come back and talk with you again, when I’m ready?”

“Of course, John. Just give me a call any time.”

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